“I have a black dog. If you touch, you’ll get bitten!” ~ JongHyun’s Tatoo from June, 2017
“I am broken from the inside. The depression that slowly gnawed away at me has finally swallowed me whole. And I could not defeat it. I detested myself…I was utterly alone… I am exhausted. I have suffered and pondered…It’s all my fault and all because I’m lacking…Why did I choose this. It’s a wonder I lasted so long… Just tell me I’ve done well. ” ~ JongHyun
Why can a depression be so well-hidden? Compounded stress, anxiety, identity crisis, life issues can really push great and amazing people into the darkest side. I still don’t understand. Suicide. I always ask why whenever I hear about it. A friend took her own life in 2009. I thought she was doing well in her modelling career as she was becoming a bigger star in the international scene. Sister’s friend took her own life around the same time – the kid was in grade 8 for God’s sake! What did she have to be so stressed about?
Nothing hit harder than when Chester Bennington left the world. Why? Why did he? Less than a year in, it hit the hardest with JongHyun’s leaving. A gifted singer with a beautiful voice and a bright smile, JohnHyun always looked cheerful and handsome to me. But again, I’ve always seen him from far away. His music cheers me up and makes me feel alive when I feel down. How can a person who could make others feel good about themselves took his own life? Why? Why? and WHY?
JH chose a black dog, often used as a metaphor for depression, as his tattoo. I wonder how his days had been like for the whole year of 2017. What was he going through that everyone around him couldn’t see or understand? Was he too good at hiding or was everyone just too busy doing their own things? Was it too hard to find the help he needed? If I can turn back the time, where do I have to go?
May you rest in peace, JH! I’m sure many others wish and hope they had stood by you and guarded over you. You’ve done well. You’ve worked hard. You are great. You are amazing. You’ve touched many people’s hearts. You’ve touched my heart. You are in my heart. I’ll always love you. ❤ ❤ ❤ Together make it love, Forever make it your smile.
Dear Onew Jinki, Minho, Key and TaeMin,
I’m so sorry for your loss before the holiday season. It may be harder for Jinki who’s going through things himself and especially around his birthday.
May you have a peaceful Christmas regardless.
May you be surrounded with love, kindness and generosity.
May you take care of your health and well-being.
May you continue your life journey with a deeper meaning, purpose and growth.
May you all live a long and beautiful life.
May all the artists who make others’ day brighter and better with their art, music, dance move, painting and personality be surrounded with love, kindness and generosity.
May all the EMR, police, doctors, nurses, counselors, workers and volunteers at crisis intervention and suicide prevention centers be surrounded with love, kindness and generosity.
Lots of Love for JongHyun and more,